Mother Meditation: This is an article I first posted to my Myspace blog on Mother’s Day 2006. Since that time and to this day, I still continue to receive heartfelt thanks from those who read it and are receiving authentic emotional healing from it.
Our Mother is a vital, critical part of our emotional make up. How she treated us, how she interacted with us. How she loved us and more importantly how loved or unloved we felt by her.
Mother Healing: Many people have told me they read the article every day, and use it as a healing Mother Meditation. It is my honor and pleasure to share this painful, true story with you. You see, I lived it too, and this was story I wrote for myself and chose to share with the world. Let your heart be healed today…
Saturday, May 13, 2006
For Those Who’ve Never Had a Mother…
Category: Life
Copyright Stacie R. Cole, 2006
I’m not specifically talking to those who “just don’t get along” with their mothers…and occasionally have times when they don’t speak to each other. At the end of the day, you do have that sense of the maternal looking out for you, whether you agree with her or not…
You still have a Mother.
I’m not necessarily talking to those whose mothers gave them up for adoption, and then they got adopted by a woman who raised them as their mother. While your heart may grieve and wonder why your birth mother gave you away, the truth is…
You still have a Mother.
I’m not speaking to those who had a loving mother, and then lost her to disease, or a car accident, or some other tragedy. While your grief and sense of loss may be unbearable at times…
You still have and had a Mother.
I’m not talking to those who were raised by another family member as their mother. And, while you feel that the deception around it may be difficult to forgive, at least people around you cared enough to make sure you had someone to raise you as your “Mom”…
You still have a Mother.
No, I’m talking to those like me.
Those who were raised by a woman they know to be their biological mother. And yet, somehow, and for some reason, she did not ever want you, make you feel safe, or let you know you are accepted and loved.
She’s made it clear that you are and were nothing but a burden in her life. She’s let you know under no uncertain terms that she regrets having had you, and kept you. This is confusing to you, because you are a good, healthy, intelligent kid.
You don’t know why she doesn’t love you.
So you try and try for years and years to melt the coldness in her eyes and have her at least once SEE you and acknowledge you as a valuable being. But she cannot and will not do it. Later, you realize, after much counseling that it is because of her and not you.
There is a certain sense of being unsettled when you know as a child that your own mother does not love you or want you. That she has chosen to project all of her displeasure with her own life onto you personally, an innocent child. When you know throughout your entire life that the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally simply hates you…it changes you forever.
Sure, it’s hard with the Father archetype as well, but men are like that so we just sort of as a world society almost pass that off as men’s nature.
But, without a mother…it’s like you never can quite get the sense that you are safe in the world. Or that you even belong in it….
So you watch other people go after their dreams, while you search around for that sense of self and grounded-ness that having a mother provides. You can never seem to get “warm” enough, no matter how many layers of socks you put on, soup you consume, or logs you put on the flame.
No, we are a different breed altogether.
We must find our own sense of self, within the self. So, I want you to pretend for just a moment…and really see if you can do this, because I have a message for you…
Pretend I am your Mother…your true Mother, who got separated from you somehow and you ended up with that wicked woman lying to you.
Forget about her for a second, and pretend…for I have a message for you, My Beautiful Child…
*breathe deep*
I am so proud of you, My Beloved Child.
I always wanted you, and I’m so joyful that you are in the world!!
All I’ve ever wanted was to see you happy, healthy, and living out your dreams.
My heart lights up whenever you enter the room.
I am always with you, every second of every hour, even in the darkest ones.
Whenever you miss me, I will appear. Just lie down, and breathe deeply, and feel my fingers caressing your head and moving through your hair.
I am holding you in my arms and singing you to sleep.
You are totally safe with me, and I love you unconditionally.
My Beloved Child, My Blessed Child.
You are warm in my embrace.
You are sheltered by my protective Mother instincts.
When you step onto the soft green grass, I am there holding you up.
And, when you walk along the sandy beach, you are sinking into my grounded-ness.
When you smell any flowers, that is my perfume tickling your sense of humor, for we laugh a lot, My Child and Me…
When you touch an oak tree, that is my strength, transferring to you, and spreading out below the surface, deep into the earth. Unshakeable, honorable, and in integrity. I give this unwavering strength and courage to you freely, and the supply is infinite…
I love you without measure. You are perfect, and beautiful. You are the greatest blessing I could have ever asked for. I am always with you…
So be at peace, and move out into the world with confidence, for I am always here to support you.
I love you always,
Mommy
((( HUGS))) you are awesome!
Thanks so much MJ!! You honed right in on the exact post that will be distributed first! The Love Rockstar has a strong intuition for sure! I chose that to circulate first because of all the feedback I’ve received from the cathartic healing it has given hundreds of folks (maybe thousands…?) over the five years since I first posted it on Myspace. It’s RAW for sure, but I felt it needed to be on this site. Thanks again for your feedback, I highly value it…and you. 🙂
Stacie,
As someone who always wanted to be a mom… it breaks my heart so very much to hear / read of someone who has children who never wanted them. It seems a cruel twist of life.
Your words stirred my heart, and am in deep awe of you. But do know those of us, who wanted children, wish with all our hearts we could take those without mothers into our hearts and show the love you need. To embrace you, to kiss the boo boos, to cry with you, to threaten (or talk about threatening) those who hurt you. To laugh with you, dance with you, and show you the mysteries big and small that life has…
ok now I have reduced myself into a crying mess… and I don’t like straying this far from my Spock past. So …. 🙂 I love you my dear!
MJ
Awe, thank you MJ. I’m so glad it touched you. It touches different people differently, but seems to give them just what they need. Yes, the words that came from the Great Mother through me, gently guide us all into a place of “self-mothering,” which we can all use more of. Male, female, child, adult. My Mother, your Mother is ever present. And is ever in us. Like you, being an earthly Momma has not come to pass for me, but if it ever did, I would love that child to the hilt, I can tell you that! Spoiled Schmoiled…I don’t think it’s possible to give them too much love. Love you too, beautiful, thank you so much for posting!
Know just what you’re talking about, though both my parents were dysfunctional. I used to pretend that gypsies left me behind with my parents and that one day they would come back to get me.
But we have our writing now, we can right all the wrongs.
Awe Diana, what a sweet imagination. I remember dreaming things like that also. Yes, I love that last statement you made…we can right all the wrongs, with our writing. Beautiful…thank you so much for your soulful comments!
Best wsihes on the birth of your daughter!! This is a beautiful letter, and I know you were break the cycle!I did with my two boys…From one SITSter to another.
Wow. Well, I’m one of you. I’m the oldest of 4 from a severely alcoholic mother. The alcohol wasn’t really the main issue. I believe it was a symptom of feeling like she “failed” because she never connected or even really cared for the children she had. Appearances were VERY important to her to, and she fell short even in her eyes. That just made her resent us more. Being the oldest, I received the brunt of it and tried my best to protect my siblings.
Thank you for your beautiful post and I’m so sorry you didn’t have a nurturing mother. As a mother of 3 now, I actually feel sorry for my mother. She missed out on so much joy because there was truly something missing in her, not in us.
You’re a blessing and a light. So glad to know you!
Ann
Oh Ann…your story sounds gut-wrenching and all too familiar. The second part, how you chose to view it now, sounds so very healthy. Yes, your mother certainly did miss out on so much joy. What a great way to put it. It took me so long to finally make that same connection. It sounds simple but it really takes a while to sink in. It really is HER problem. You know? Maybe if this post and our feedback saves one person those unsettling years of torment, it is totally worth it. You are one incredible woman! So proud of you. I’m so happy to know you too, Beautiful Soul.
Backstory of this writing: It came about rather strangely. One day in May 2006 when I was living alone in Sedona, AZ, I got an odd impulse to go buy and make a Chef Boyardee pizza. Remember those? EEW, right? You see, I was 100% raw vegan at that time, and never ate white flour or processed foods. I was not craving it. Wasn’t even hungry. I just observed myself going to the store, looking for it and finding that one item. Came back to my house and made it. Then…wow this is embarrassing..I ATE THE WHOLE THING! Sobbing the entire time.
I still did not know what was going on. Suddenly I called one of my friends and told her what was going on. She said, well maybe it has to do with Mother’s Day being today? She didn’t know. She was just grasping at straws. I said…that’s today? I did not know! Then it hit me. I was desperately trying to find ONE GOOD memory of this woman. The only thing I could come up with was as a connection was that when we were younger, she would buy us that same pizza and I would make it and she was somewhat nice to us. Like, she’s getting her kids a pizza. Pizza/movie night kinda thing. That was the only thing I could think of. Still to this day is one of the only relatively pleasant memories I have of this woman.
So…I went into my office and observed myself typing the entire article out. Just compellingly flowing but not really knowing how it was coming out, as is how the Muse tends to work.
Then, a voice said…now read it. I read it and absolutely wailed from the deepest part of me. Then I felt freed. Liberated. Empowered. Knowing that I can come back to this spot, to my True Mother, any time I need to.
It was such a comfort to me that I made the choice to share it on my Myspace blog.
I have received multitudes of emails that people use it every day to help heal them, and ground them into the loving Mother energy they so desperately craved.
That is has helped them immensely to reconcile this terrible hole, now has been made whole.
How could I NOT share it on this new site?
Hi Stacie –
I came across this tonight and I know I was supposed to read this right now. I have recently been going through some mourning for what could have/should have been.
What you have accomplished is articulating something that I haven’t been able to. Only my story turns out ok -but it sure didn’t start that way.
My Mother messed me up pretty good – I remember my Mother saying to me once “I wish you had never been born!” I did not get hugged, told I am loved, played a simple game with or read to. All I remember from the early days is extreme fear & sadness, yelling, being “spanked” (hit!) and feeling like I did something wrong all the time. After my Father died (when I was 12) I felt pretty alone in the world.
It has taken me a lifetime to overcome the start I had on life (and still going) – but the funny thing is, and I don’t know exactly when that changed – my Mother is my greatest champion now!
I don’t know if it happened because I changed my inner world or what but it’s true. Of course the damage had been well ingrained before that turn around happened.
So one result was I overcompensated for my own daughter, which isn’t necessarily good either. Another is I am a independant person – I have had to stand on my own for a very long time.
I have read points of view that say we choose our parents and the things that happen to us when we decide to come to Earth – to shape who we are while we are here. Although I think that notion may make us masochists in these particular cases, I think it can make us stronger and more empathetic people if we can manage to come out the other side ok.
Thank you for your post 🙂
Hi Barb! Oh wow, thank you SO much for sharing your amazing story. So sorry you had to go through that coldness…I know it all too well. I also did not get any of those things you metioned: hugs, told I was loved, simple acts of kindness, read to…nothing. Zip. Zilch. Just constant coldnes…emptiness…loneliness…I did not exist. And losing your Father so young…you really went through the ringer.
And yet wow! Your Mother is your greatest champion now…I’m welling up with tears again. What a fantastic story of victory. You are one powerful person. Yes, it was definitely all you, girlfriend. Way to look that devil in the eye and command your OWN experience! Thanks again for sharing your powerful story with us. I hope all who read this post and the heartfelt, courageous replies are empowered by them. You rock! 🙂